Dear Frustrated Businessman,
We’re surprised that your cousin supplied you with our contact details. Perhaps in this period of lockdown, social distancing and self-isolation, we should not be expressing such an emotion. But we are. Why?
Well, we cannot believe – though we should believe because we have lying on our desk a page of your words addressed to us with your signature attached – stating that you are serious about enrolling on one of our most gruelling workshops. Your cousin dropped out of a taster weekend last June and we never heard from him again. His reason for departing after 20 minutes from what was a 19 hour programme spread over an evening and two days was because he felt he would go insane if he didn’t quit whilst he still possessed his marbles. His final words on EnvironMENTAL Training™ was a single line in an email: Warning! Not only is Tedium par Excellence! unsafe, it’s also detrimental to your mental health.
If positions were reversed, wouldn’t you wonder – about their precious marbles – why a vociferous critic and detractor was suddenly recommending your service in the middle of a pandemic?
We find it peculiar, if not strange, that your cousin has nothing but praise for The Twins: EnvironMENTAL Training™, and advises you to shun all services and programmes but ours. You claim he swore to you that we are the best at what we provide, and that you would be a fool not to contact us immediately for help. Flattering as your cousin’s description of our service is, we think you ought to reconsider any decision made or to be made during this period, especially if it is financial. We’re not keen on accepting payments from people who harbour any dissatisfaction with what we provide. Criticism we can accept – as a right, a prerogative or even a privilege – but not if it’s based on the fact that he failed to qualify for a refund. It was his decision to leave after 60 minutes because he was dissatisfied with proceedings, forgetting that he arrived two hours late.
It’s evident from what he told you about our service that he’s forgotten that he told us that we were a couple of conmen running a successful racket preying on the gullibility of wealthy high net earners who desperately need help with their concentration.
We have no idea why the change of view of our service, we will simply state that if you really wish us to be your training consultants then please ensure you don’t have your cousin’s temperament. At our workshops before the lockdown we always encourage courteous behaviour when interacting with others; this includes attendees, trainers, catering and cleaning staff. Harmony makes a better workshop, irrespective of how challenging the tasks or exercises set may be. The current pandemic has not altered our policy in any way.
Lockdown has meant – like everyone else – that EnvironMENTAL Training has had to adapt to the changing landscape; that doesn’t mean we’ll adopt anything that is going be detrimental to what we do. We’re in a position where we can refuse to accept an individual if that person is deemed to be a potential troublemaker. Your social position, wealth, education or connections are of no importance (to us) if you think you can treat this service in the same way you treat your caddy or tailor.
To help newcomers who have expressed a desire to become clients, we decided that it’s important during this unprecedented period for them to have a thorough understanding of what we mean by boring, monotonous, dull, tiresome, uninteresting mental drills, games and exercises. The exercise below is your entry into the world of The Twins: EnvironMENTAL Training™. By entry we mean joining a family of contented individuals who appreciate the importance of training their minds with tedious material that most would steer well clear of.
The Coronavirus has meant that with millions having to remain indoors, only stepping out for reasons deemed essential by Her Majesty’s Government, many will be seeking new things to occupy their minds. We’re not interested in providing interesting diversions which can be used as a respite from arguments with spouse and family; disagreements with housemates about boundaries; rows with neighbours or members of the general public encountered on an essential trip to the supermarket; or whilst enduring trauma in the hour allocated for physical exercise.
Below in bold is the phrase, Tedium par Excllence! which sums up in three words what EnvironMENTAL Training™ is (all) about.
Further down is a simple exercise for you to accomplish. Do it successfully and we will happily accept you as a client.
Follow the instructions to the letter and do not deviate from the prescribed way of carrying out the task. We’re sure, like so many, that you have your own way of working: one that suits your personality. You may be a visual or audial person; work better in a team or alone; or you may have a preference for jigsaw puzzles not tangrams, or would rather play bridge than chess. However, if you’re to do EnvironMENTAL Training™ successfully, you have to be prepared to adapt to our way of doing things. Which is simply boring and means hours of repeating mindless mental activities with the only reward being that you master your mind and emotions.
Tedium par Excellence!
IMPORTANT INSTRUCTIONS
Count every means exactly that: whether it’s a line, word or vowel, everything has to be counted.
Count slowly, silently, quietly or aloud; whichever feels comfortable.
If instructed to spell or read aloud, do exactly that.
Do not rush when counting, spelling or copying out.
When copying out, write your letters as neat as you can. Do not omit anything.
Tedium par Excellence! Exercise
Count every line.
Count every word.
Count every letter.
Count every punctuation mark.
Count ever vowel.
Count every consonant.
Count every one syllable word.
Count every two syllable word.
Count every three syllable word.
Count every ‘e’.
Count every ‘T’.
Count every ‘p’.
Count every ‘i’.
Count every ‘x’.
Count every ‘d’
Count every ‘m’.
Count every ‘E’.
Count every ‘r’.
Count every ‘c’.
Count every ‘l’
Count every ‘u’.
Count every ‘n’.
Count every ‘a’.
Count every upper case letter.
Count every lower case letter.
Count every three letter word.
Count every six letter word.
Count every ten letter word.
Count every vowel that is next to another vowel, e.g. ae or ie or ou.
Count every consonant that is next to vowel, e.g. ba or bi or bu .
Count every consonant that is next to another consonant, e.g. fg or jk or st. .
Spell every word forwards and aloud.
Spell every word backwards and aloud.
Spell out only the vowels of every word forwards and aloud.
Spell out only the vowels of every word backwards and aloud.
Spell out only the consonants of every word forwards and aloud.
Spell out only the consonants of every word forwards and aloud.
Copy out each line.
Copy out each word forwards.
Copy out each word backwards.
Copy out each punctuation mark.
Copy out each vowel.
Copy out each consonant.
Read aloud every letter.
Read aloud every second letter.
Read aloud every third letter.
Read aloud every fourth letter.
Read aloud every fifth letter.
Read aloud every sixth letter.
Read aloud every seventh letter.
Read aloud every eighth letter.
Read aloud every ninth letter.
Read aloud every tenth letter.
Read aloud every eleventh letter.
Read aloud every twelth letter.
Read aloud every thirteenth letter.
DO NOT ATTEMPT ANY PART of THE Tedium par Excellence! EXERCISE IF:
Tired
Sleepy
Hungry
Inebriated
Remember that EnvironMENTAL Training™ is for anyone, but not everyone; anyone can do it, but not everyone will.
thetwinsenvironmentaltraining 